Every single human being you
know throughout your lifetime will, at one time or another, let you down, betray,
abuse, neglect and/or abandon you. It
doesn’t matter if the person is a spouse, child, family member or friend, you
will be hurt at least once by everyone.
It’s simply the way it is because we are sinful, selfish humans living
on a broken, decaying world. In these
last days when evil is increasing exponentially, this will prove to be true
more than ever!
Now, I don’t mean for this to
be a downer for anyone. It’s a warning
to Christians that the ONLY person who will never let you down is Jesus
Christ. He is the only one you can really
count on; the only one who truly knows you intimately. He is the only person you are really safe
with. You’ll save yourself a whole lot
of pain if you’ll remember this fact!
When we are hurt by someone,
we are to forgive, “even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” But what, exactly does this mean? I stumbled on a fantastic website that taught
me the true meaning of forgiveness and why it is OK to sometimes withhold
it. Oh, I can hear the screams of
protest and see the hackles of some of you rising from here. ‘Heresy, heresy! She’s a witch, burn
her!’ Put down the pitchforks and
torches people, and let’s take a good look at this.
I highly encourage anyone who
is having difficulty forgiving someone to visit this wonderful site for a good,
Biblical grasp of this because it has historically been a very difficult and
misunderstood subject. http://www.luke173ministries.org/ I will be borrowing liberally from the
information on this webpage and will use quotation marks when I am quoting
them.
Luke 17:3 says, “Take heed to yourselves: if thy
brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.” That is the
most concise recipe for forgiveness ever given.
When we need God to forgive us, we are to go to Him, confess our sin,
ask for forgiveness (apologize) and repent (turn from our sinful ways.)
When someone offers us a
sincere apology, they shouldn’t try to avoid mentioning the offense; “I’m sorry
for anything I might have done.”
Instead, they need to be specific in describing what they did wrong.
They should acknowledge that we have every right to be upset and validate our
feelings by assuring us we didn’t deserve to be treated hurtfully and then
promise it won’t happen again. This kind
of apology is healing.
Confess, apologize, and
repent. You’d think it was the easiest thing in the world, wouldn’t you? I think we Christians confuse and complicate
these simple steps. But…what if the person that hurt you won’t admit they were
wrong? God Himself does not forgive the
‘stiff-necked’ who refuse to repent and who continue in their evil ways! Surprised?
Find one instance in the Bible where He does. If God does not forgive the unrepentant, we
are not expected to extend that grace to them either.
Sometimes we find ourselves
in a situation where we realize the one who hurt us will never admit
wrongdoing, so in order to free ourselves to carry on and live a fulfilled,
happy life we need to choose to forgive them, knowing there is a wonderful
promise attached. To forgive someone
is to cease holding them accountable for their trespass against you.
We cannot confuse forgiveness
with emotion. We were victimized and have every reason to be angry and
offended. However, when we choose not to entertain thoughts of the trespass and
give it to God, He will step in and heal our heart and damaged emotions. We may
still hurt for a while but it will fade with time. What makes this
possible? The promise in Romans 12:19, “For it is written, vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” His validation and perfect justice will be
more than enough to satisfy the injury you suffered!
Let it go. Lay it down, sit back and trust your heavenly
Daddy to take care of business for you.
It may take some time, but justice WILL be done!
Then there are people who are
a cut above your basic jerk and are, quite frankly, abusers. “Abuse is a pattern of ongoing, continuous,
unrelenting evil. It will not stop until
we leave for our own survival. We
finally come to realize the situation is hopeless; changing these ingrained
characteristics is impossible.” It is
very unlikely God will change your abuser because your abuser likes hurting you and others! They don’t want to change.
But what if your abuser
claims to be a Christian??
This kind of abuser is the worst
and can cause enormous damage! “Some are
influenced by the Spirit of False Religion or a Jezebel Spirit; some were ‘born
again’ many years ago but have not matured in their walk with God.” Hebrews 10:26-31 talks about the doom of
those who choose to continue sinning willfully after having received the
knowledge of the truth; that there no longer remains a sacrifice for sin. It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands
of the Living God!
“Besides trying to use
scripture to justify their wickedness, some who call themselves a ‘Christian’ will engage in other
pseudo-religious behaviors. They might
attend church on a regular basis, tithe every week, speak in tongues, be ‘slain
in the spirit’, raise their hands to God, tell people to pray for them, shout ‘Hallelujah,”
and use all the right words and phrases.
How could anyone possibly believe that such a person is really
malicious, and that this is all a façade?”
“What this person fails to
realize is that someone with discernment can see these things and will know
them by their fruit, or lack thereof. Using their ‘Christianity’ as a cover up
for their sinful nature may not work all of the time or with every person, but
it does work enough times and with enough people that it is worth it for them
to continue doing. And so, whenever they
are rebuked or challenged, trotting out their ‘Christianity’ is their automatic
response.”
Abusers will rarely progress
through the proper steps to gain forgiveness. However, the reasons and excuses they spew do
NOT fly with God! The Bible states in Romans 2:5-6 (NIV) “But because of your
stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against
yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when His righteous judgment will be
revealed. God will give to each person according to what he has done.” THAT is sobering…
So what are some common ways these
so-called ‘Christians’ act when their victim confronts and rebukes them for
their behavior and the hurt they caused?
Hmmm, how much time do we have?
Some excuses are quite clever whereas others are just plain funny! Quite possibly the most outrageous and one of
my all time favorites, is selective amnesia.
“Selective amnesia is the
abuser’s phony defense of very conveniently forgetting anything that does not
support their case. They pretend they
have no idea of what you’re talking about when you rebuke them for their
behavior. In order to avoid
accountability whenever you confront them about their actions, the abuser will
deflect the conversation and attention away from what THEY did, and focus it on
you.”
“Remind them of anything
they’ve done wrong, and they will suddenly develop brain damage. A look of bewilderment and hurt will cross
their face as they tearfully deny what you’re saying. You may be momentarily
confused, thinking maybe they really don’t remember. That is because a normal
person’s natural tendency is to give others the benefit of the doubt and not
assume malice."
“If for some reason, they do
begin to remember, a lot will get lost in the translation. They aren’t going to remember things the way
you do—it will get twisted, denied and added to until it sounds like either
you’re completely delusional, or you are the one who wronged them! If that tactic fails and you persist in
holding them accountable, their last ditch strategy will be to tell you that it
was ‘in the past’ and YOU are wrong for not ‘getting over it!’”
I can personally testify
these things are true! Been there, heard
that. “When the abusive ‘Christian’ in your life claims to have no idea what
they did wrong, they are LYING! They
know perfectly well what they did. They
will try this ploy even after you’ve told them point blank exactly what they
did wrong, furnished loads of examples, argued with them and protested their
years of maltreatment.” But you’ll only
get proclamations of amnesia.
“They have seen your distress
every time they hurt you and that is, indeed their reward for doing so.” They love knowing they had that kind of power
over you! “You probably complained, rebuked, confronted, cried and fought them
and tried in vain to set limits for years.
And nothing worked, leaving you no choice but to end the relationship for
your own survival. There is NO way they
don’t know what they did.” Hey, I got
the T-shirt on this trip too!
“It’s a losing battle to ever
try to have a nice, reasonable discussion with an abuser. You’re deluding yourself if you think you can
make them ever understand, admit anything or be accountable in any way.” You will never gain satisfaction from this
person! Give them over to a Holy God to deal with. Believe me, He will not
forget. Then allow your heavenly Father to heal you.
Here are some other examples
of the tactics abusers try when confronted with their sin against you. These are great! They will:
‘not remember’, accuse YOU of trying to start a fight, show juvenile
displays of anger (mimicking, screaming, name calling, breaking property,
making fun of you..), accuse you of taking their actions ‘the wrong way’,
refuse to take responsibility, blame you, use sarcasm, tell you, “I said I was
sorry!”, tell you God forgives them so they don’t have to explain or relive the
past, and get angry with you for confronting them, blah, blah, blah.
Let me pause here and delve a
little further into a very powerful ploy that some ‘Christian’ abusers use to
excuse themselves and plant guilt into the one they hurt. The ‘ol, “God forgives me and He’s the only
one I will face so my conscience is clear whether you forgive me or not, so you
can’t judge me,” routine. Oh puke! This is a “Christian who is simply too
prideful to face their victim, apologize sincerely for being abusive and
hurtful, admit they were wrong, and change their ways.”
“They think they can put it
all behind them and hold their head high without ever doing the right thing by
their victim. Any humility this person
had shown in the past was false humility, calculated again to make them seem
more righteous than they are.”
In the Bible, when you damage
someone, you are expected to make restitution to that person. “Repenting to God” doesn’t get you off the
hook! You are supposed to face the
person you hurt and make it right by making them whole. Nowhere in the Word does it say that
repenting to God is sufficient, or that it absolves us from any obligation to repent
directly to the person we injured.
I could go on and on with
this but there is one last, particularly insidious disguise the ‘Christian’
abuser can wear, and it’s pretty powerful unless you stop and examine what
scripture has to say about it. I have seen
this tactic in play, even during my childhood, while being brought up in an
Assembly of God church. They hide behind
the “I’ve received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit as evidenced by speaking in
tongues, therefore I am a righteous and Godly person,” mask.
I will not discuss my
personal beliefs about this gift of the Spirit, so don’t bother bringing the
subject up. It is not for me to judge whether a person does or does not have
this gift or if they have deluded themselves into thinking they do when they
are actually manifesting something counterfeit.
BUT…when a habitually abusive
‘Christian’ pulls this rabbit out of their hat, don’t be intimidated. It’s the perfect cover for their mistreatment
of others by implying that because they are ‘holy’ enough to exercise this
gift, they can’t possibly be abusive. Remember
what your Mama always told you? “Actions
speak louder than words.” Thank you Jesus, that’s one little nugget of wisdom
we can count on!
What are the fruits of the
Spirit that God cultivates in His children?
They are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and
self control. Do you suppose you will find these fruits consistently hanging
off of a ‘Christian’ abuser? I think
not! And how do we know if a person actually belongs to and is walking with
God? By their fruits. NOT by what they tell us!
Another test lies in 1
Corinthians 13: 1-3. “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but
have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and
understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so
that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I
bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,
but have not love, it profits me nothing. (NKJV)
Go ahead, hot shot, speak in
tongues till the cows come home! You are
an unrepentant abuser and have not love. Now, you make sure to be in church every Sunday
and make sure someone there knows you’ve been faithful to tithe. Oh yeah,
volunteer to chaperone the youth group on their camping trip and pass out
bulletins at the front door. Your service and big bad ‘spiritual gift’ means
NOTHING to God! They are an abomination before Him because God looks at the
heart and knows exactly what you are.
“There is a clear difference
between the fruits of a true Christian who lives by the Spirit as opposed to
the behaviors of one who might claim to be a Christian, but who really lives by
their flesh and by their sinful nature.”
In closing, let’s review. The
next time you offend or hurt someone, even unintentionally, you need to seek
forgiveness and restoration. You go to
them, confess what you did, acknowledge they have every right to be hurt, apologize
and ask for forgiveness, and repent and promise them you will never to that to
them again. THEN you go to God.
When someone hurts or offends
you and they don’t seem to be making a move to make things right, you go to
them, rebuke them and IF they repent, you forgive them. Every single time. If this recipe is not followed according to
Biblical mandates, or if they refuse to admit their offense, you are not
obligated to extend forgiveness to them.
Of course, you have no right
to declare war and treat them badly either!
Simply choose not to hold their offense against them and turn them over
to your advocate, the source of perfect justice and go on your way without them
in your life. Have nothing more to do
with them. God will heal your heart
and emotions if you are faithful to conduct yourself in this manner. He will recompense the pain you’ve suffered
and justice WILL be served! Thank you
Lord, and let me hear a hearty “AMEN!”
1 comment:
AMEN!
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